


Non-Combatants

by oppressa



Category: Mass Effect 2 - Fandom
Genre: Bad Science, Other, Porn Battle, Sensory Overload
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-01-30
Updated: 2011-01-30
Packaged: 2017-10-15 03:27:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,689
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/156556
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oppressa/pseuds/oppressa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He's pretty sure she's not meant to affect him like this.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Non-Combatants

**Author's Note:**

> For the Porn Battle XI prompt, 'inappropriate'. Slightly altered from the original post because I fucked up with grammar more than once.

He's never been so glad to get out of a room in his entire life. Taylor's pretty much okay, but Lawson makes him nervous like Shepard never could unless she's way out of communication range. Joker tells himself it's not the skin tight Cerberus gear she's always stalking around in, or even the way she expects her authority to stick on this ship. It's just how she acts, like she's above the rest of them by default, and maybe she is, but she doesn't get his respect for chewing him out over EDI. He did what he had to, and he's not even trying to kid himself it was a difficult decision, not really. EDI had his back every step of the way, made him feel safer and more in control, although he knows that wasn't the case by a long shot.

He goes back to the helm, lowers himself into the seat taking care not to jar anything. All his joints are aching like crazy, and he can't even start to push down the trembling in his legs. But at least his heart's not in his mouth anymore now he's finished his report. Now they've just got to wait for Shepard to come up with some insane retaliation strategy involving borderline suicidal risk. Like that's not a familiar experience. He just needs a moment to recover from the last clusterfuck, because limping around the ship holding off Collectors isn't exactly in his job description.

Slowly though, he becomes aware that he's being watched. Which means EDI's followed him back here. His skin itches in the blue glow of the hologram. He always thought it looked cold before, but now he's used to it, and the soft buzz of the churning core is almost comforting. It's weird. Of course he's worried about all of them, everyone that got taken, but somehow concentrating on the way EDI's lights flicker calms him down significantly.

“I did not intend to scare you, Jeff.” She announces, in the processed voice that has freaked him out a thousand times before. It's obviously not designed for emotional resonance, but unfortunately he can detect an inflection in it now that just does something to him. Reminds him of having Chakwas' chilled instruments on his skin, another sensation which probably isn't supposed to turn him on, but does. EDI isn't his ship, but she's got so much control over it. Joker thinks about airlocks and oxygen stores, how badly it could have gone if she had betrayed them.

He's reluctant to respond, but he figures he owes her that much at least, and mumbles, “It's okay, EDI. You're honestly not that terrifying in comparison to what just happened.”

He leans his elbows on the chair's arm rests and presses his palms against his eyes, hoping she won't push anything else, cause sometimes company's good and sometimes it's just really fucking annoying. Although it's not like he has a lot of alternative interpersonal options right now. Behind his eyelids, there are still Collectors everywhere, grotesque faces and deaths you wouldn't wish on your own worst enemy. Let alone your friends.

“We have already ascertained the fact that you are not 'okay'. I wanted to check on you again. I am touched that you trusted me.”

He experiences a wave of resentment for her concern, the way she manages to sound almost human, and snaps, “You're a _machine_ , you can't feel anything,” before he can stop himself. Pretty harsh. He needed to cut someone, and even though EDI won't feel it, that still wasn't cool. He bites his lip and tries again.

“EDI, please. I need-” He breaks off, not sure what he was going to say. Space, maybe. Alone time. Or _I need you to back off for once, there's no way you could relate, so just stop talking_. Instead he clenches his teeth and forces himself to remember how grateful he should be that she helped him, didn't screw them into the next century. “I have to prepare for whatever monumental shitfest the Commander expects us to participate in next, okay?”

He thinks she might have finally gotten the message that he feels really down right now and no amount of interaction with her is going to fix it, when she says, “I could actually demonstrate a way of restoring your optimal energy levels.”

She doesn't even offer him a choice, sounding kind of sly, but most of the lighting in the cockpit suddenly goes off before he can ask what she means. For a horrible moment, he thinks she's finally cracked, wants to ask what kind of mech hallex she thinks she's on. But everything is still operational, just powered down, giving off a dull stand-by shine. All he can hear now is static, the type that crackles in his ear piece when they're travelling through a storm.

He only gets as far as “Like, for real, EDI?” before he senses the thin, high whine of a signal slowly working its way into his brain, spiking like a reflex hammer tapping against his fragile shins. He's into that shit, for some reason. She's trying something, and he's not sure what it is. Not sure how it counts as a demonstration, either, but it feels really good. Joker groans, tries to work saliva around a dry mouth. Several parts of his body are beginning to feel sore and his chest is tight like he can't even breathe. The worst thing is that he knows this is totally inappropriate, but that doesn't mean he can ignore the way it's getting to him. He shifts forward so his hipbones are trapped against the edge of the nearest console border, trying to force the arousal down. The touch of cold metal does absolutely nothing towards that, so he changes his mind, or has it overruled for him, and turns the chair back towards her. He's half expecting some snide AI comment about how his behaviour is off and his pulse is racing, but he gets nothing, just a warm broadcast of electric heat and a jarring false note that flips his stomach hard.

“Oh, my god.” She's so freaking sneaky. He tries not to think about whether this warped experiment is testing their compatibility in any sense, or if she's now capable of breaching her own protocol. She didn't seem to need any kind of clearance for it, but then again, he knows who he should hold responsible for that. “What the fuck're you doing?”

“I am running one of my unlocked functions to see how well you connect with it. Specifically, transmitting a frequency that enhances sensory perception. I am basing my calculations of how effective this will be on the way we collaborated during the attack.”

Shit, she sounds scrambled, and he doesn't get any of it. Well, maybe the part about their working relationship sort of makes sense. He can be professional for Shepard's sake, not just cracking wise all the time, but EDI can't filter herself like that. He's past caring that she hasn't got an off switch anymore. The charge intensifies as he extricates himself from the chair and goes closer to her, feels his face get hot as he moves into the sphere of light. His dick begins to stir, following standard procedure like nothing else is, as he arranges himself so he's kneeling beneath her. Remembering what she said earlier.

“That is not strictly advisable, Jeff, given your-” He wonders if she's always going to call him that, now, and if she's affecting him like this, what she's doing to _herself_. He interrupts her before she can finish patronizing him.

“But you're enjoying this, right? This is like, twisted enough for your robotic superiority complex?”

She just makes some basic cognitive noise, indecipherable, glitchy, and he sure hopes she's not about to malfunction, cause fuck knows he'll have a tough time explaining that to Shepard. All Joker can think is _this is really weird_ and _what the hell is she doing to me_ and _why am I going along with it_? Just being this near to the source of the pulse makes him feel awesome. He opens his uniform and stokes a finger along his dick. Twitches in a position that is all potential muscle strain and no room to move. This isn't slow and intimate like he usually prefers and his thighs are already cramping, but it's wrong and hot and he can't think clearly anyway. He can feel all the tension bleeding out of him, siphoning off, and he hunches over himself, breath rending harsh in the dark. EDI's barely making any sound now, just watching him, like there's nothing more personal to this than scientific interest. Like electrochemical sex is just really fucking regular. He lifts his free hand to his mouth so he can suck on the knuckles instead of clenching them, doesn't want to damage it by accident. Keeps going with the other until there's nothing left except to spill on his fingers, shuddering, but it's his nerve endings and not his joints that are fried this time.

“Uh, shit.” He looks up at her warily as the lights flicker back on.

She seems to be winding down, blinking a couple of times. He has no idea how she manages to look half pleased with herself, and half embarrassed, but she does, and there's a second of hesitation before she says, “If you found the transfer was adequate, I can purge this incident from the memory log altogether.”

He sits back on the floor, pulling his knees in to rub at them. Strangely, they're not shaking as badly as they were earlier. He almost snorts at the thought of what goes on unrecorded in this ship.

“Nah, you should hold onto it.” He doesn't have the luxury of forgetting what the fuck that just was, so neither should she. Doesn't rule out the possibility of them doing it again in the future. If there is one. Never mind trying to figure out that shit right now. He's more than ready for whatever Shepard's going to throw at them.


End file.
